I'm almost at the point of being very frank about our personal situation.  It's the judgements that will test me and I get a little hot headed about judgemental people.  I'm steadfast about the fact that no matter the situation, I am still the same person.

How I ended up here probably doesn't matter to the judgemental but I will jot it down anyway.  Not the  history, because I or you don't have 45 years lol.  We were struggling, my mother Wanda Hedge was struggling and with history screaming NO in my ear, I still didn't want her to end up in a nursing home and losing her house and we did need to get into the city.  God know's, it wouldn't be the first risky decision I had made.

We gave up our house and placed the last of our dogs and brought Eclipse and Shiloh with us.  Fitting all our stuff in a carport was a miracle but her first take advantage of the situation command was "All that stuff does not come in here!!"  Grin and bear it Mel, I told myself.

The very next day, I went to Peoplemark and was placed at Hunter Douglas.  It was the best thing that had happened to us in months.  WooHoo!!  Working thirds would allow me to still home school Brandon and stay focused on Jarrett House and my crafts.  I am very driven I just keep driving into brick walls.

 Next goal was to concentrate on a vehicle.  We had used my mothers car (keeping all the gas receipts of course because I had endured her tales many a time) and my Uncle Ken's truck (receipts kept because that's the kind of family I have) to move all our stuff from Ohio County.  My Uncle Ken finds and buy's us a pickup truck and provides for the licensing and insurance ($1,000).  We will pay him $75 / week until it is paid back.  We were on our way up!

Now keep in mind, we have only been allowed to bring in a few clothes and Brandon's books.  I am sleeping on the floor and my 6ft son sleeping on a 5ft couch and cannot use the living room period.  She told me to stop doing the housework I was making her feel inadequate.  I have always stayed on the go no matter what was going on.  Never sit and watch tv except for news.  There isn't even enough room on the page to write the miniscule things she was carrying on about.  My son was told he would wait on her hand and foot or my uncle would kick the shit out of him (that would've NEVER happened).

One day, she doesn't come home, stays gone for 3 days, wouldn't answer phone calls, and wasn't taking her medicine (she is bipolar).  She claimed we took over her house and she couldn't stand me.

The arrangements were discussed very clearly prior to moving in.  I would pay 1/2 the bills plus any amount they came in over her normal charges (that would be the extra from us being there).  She was going to start selling some of her belongings and packing the rest.  She applied to live at Lee Manor based on her income and I would purchase the mobile home from my uncle.

The message was loud and clear "Have your stuff out by Friday or I will call the law" says my aunt.

We gave up a home and our pets for this woman.  We were not being evicted and were not behind.  We were struggling though and this would have benenfited both sides for a few months.  I thought I had made great accomplishments in a short time and was feeling the best I had in months.

Unless you have $12 - 1400, you don't get a place.  We had not struggled this long to now have to go to a homeless shelter.  I wouldn't allow it.  It's not that I think I'm too good for a shelter,  it's pride I guess.  I have never collected welfare either.  I know what we lived like as young ones and I always said that my family wouldn't endure what we did.  What to do, what to do.  I would loose my job now, because Brandon has such issues, I don't leave him with anyone (I don't trust anyone anyway) and yes he is 14 and I'll not post publicly about him other than to say what little I have.  I hope that can be respected.

We got our stuff in a storage unit and spent the day waiting on word about a small shop that we had called about.  We could live in the back and a small business spot in the front for $250 a month.  Night fell and the man gave us the disappointing news.  The other party had grabbed the key first and was taking it.

Well, I'm crying now and like I said almost ready, but not tonight.  Just know that there have actually been 2 people that actually have no problem with where we are staying,  and they are doing business with me.  That's the kinda friends I appreciate!!!

Nite for now hold your families tight and always be there for each other

Hugs :)

Brandon now has found a star in the sky where we are housed that he says is Bella (one of dogs - his baby) and he misses her desperately.  Socially, Brandon has extreme issues and Bella Rose was his life.  For that I will never forgive her because my kids had been through enough already.   

Pondering

I get up in the wee hours. It's my time for a few hours. Looking around, I wonder if it will ever get better. Be like we were before. Not feeling sorry for myself, not that kind of person. Just wondering and asking why. Can't ever answer that.

I had 4 kids and have only 1 at home now and none are adults yet!! I was pretty unruly back in the day BUT when I found out i was pregnant with James, that all ended. Refused to put my kids through such a life. For 8 years, I lived, ate, and slept my kids. What a handful they were with no family support. But I was determined to give them a life we didn't have as kids.

Now certain things I don't need to go into details about, but the boys have different fathers. I am a firm believer that just because you are biological does not a father make. I was going to have my children not be exposed to certain things as long as I had any say!!

I met the twins dad at work, and contrary to my don't mix business with pleasure moto, I made one of the worst choices I have ever made. I wouldn't NOT have the twins as his wishes were, but I would have chose another father - if that makes any sense. He is an alcoholic and abusive. My strong willed ass wouldn't tolerate this and he needed to refrain from being drunk when he came to see Matthew and Michael.

We managed for about 4ish years with him coming a couple of times a year. Then all of the sudden he brings the new woman in his life to me and says they have helped each other to quit drugs blah blah blah. I give people a chance because I most certainly have made my mistakes. Well she was the she-devil in disguise. It didn't take long for her to start punching the boys, drunken rages in front of the boys, finding needles on the property, dosing them up on medicine to make them sleep and gosh there's not even enough space in here.

Exercising my duty and right to protect my kids, we went through the "system". What a waste of time and bottom line he is their biological father and he has his rights the courts say. My world says my kids have more rights than him!!!

In 2006, after much dissappointment and a lot of research including a lawyer consultation, I took my children to Alabama to see the court their for "protection" until I could resolve the matter in KY. The KRS allows for this.

I heard her words very clearly, but my head was still spinning. The wonderful lawyer, Andrew Johnson, had forgot to mention one little snag in the KRS option. I still had the open case I had filed in Juvenile court.

I would surely loose my kids for what I had just done!!!

I high tailed my ass back to KY and shortly thereafter, I learned that while I was in Alabama, custody had been given to their dad. OMG

Many years of social workers doing investigations on him for everything under the sun - and NO I don't mean he said she said bull shit - finally last year - he gets a DUI with the boys in the car, finding of neglect by Social Services, and he has a failing liver. Because the boys are scared to death to tell of what happens and know what happens when they tell a little, they cannot be removed. For their trust issues, I want to thank the former principal of Calhoun Elementary, because when Matthew told you, instead of doing what you were required by law to do, you called his dad and u know what happen when he got home? They have a wonderful counsellor at the middle school now who has tried to assure them but to no avail. She pulls Michael by his hair for talking to the lady. And dad thumps him in his chest so hard he cries.

My fear is, with a joint-custody order in place, that he will pass and I will not be in a position to prove to the court that I can provide. I have to be ready for them to come home and yet every time I turn around something else goes wrong.

So, back to the question, will it ever get better? I feel like I have proved my strength many times. The average person might not have made it through what we have come through. And when I say no family or support, I mean none.

I try to help others when I can, I don't have any bad behaviors for many many years now, I have always put my kids first and I just don't know.

I just want to have a quaint house and a reliable vehicle and just a small break maybe.

For now, i have to get back to posting. i try to sell online. No vehicle to get around places.