Pondering

I get up in the wee hours. It's my time for a few hours. Looking around, I wonder if it will ever get better. Be like we were before. Not feeling sorry for myself, not that kind of person. Just wondering and asking why. Can't ever answer that.

I had 4 kids and have only 1 at home now and none are adults yet!! I was pretty unruly back in the day BUT when I found out i was pregnant with James, that all ended. Refused to put my kids through such a life. For 8 years, I lived, ate, and slept my kids. What a handful they were with no family support. But I was determined to give them a life we didn't have as kids.

Now certain things I don't need to go into details about, but the boys have different fathers. I am a firm believer that just because you are biological does not a father make. I was going to have my children not be exposed to certain things as long as I had any say!!

I met the twins dad at work, and contrary to my don't mix business with pleasure moto, I made one of the worst choices I have ever made. I wouldn't NOT have the twins as his wishes were, but I would have chose another father - if that makes any sense. He is an alcoholic and abusive. My strong willed ass wouldn't tolerate this and he needed to refrain from being drunk when he came to see Matthew and Michael.

We managed for about 4ish years with him coming a couple of times a year. Then all of the sudden he brings the new woman in his life to me and says they have helped each other to quit drugs blah blah blah. I give people a chance because I most certainly have made my mistakes. Well she was the she-devil in disguise. It didn't take long for her to start punching the boys, drunken rages in front of the boys, finding needles on the property, dosing them up on medicine to make them sleep and gosh there's not even enough space in here.

Exercising my duty and right to protect my kids, we went through the "system". What a waste of time and bottom line he is their biological father and he has his rights the courts say. My world says my kids have more rights than him!!!

In 2006, after much dissappointment and a lot of research including a lawyer consultation, I took my children to Alabama to see the court their for "protection" until I could resolve the matter in KY. The KRS allows for this.

I heard her words very clearly, but my head was still spinning. The wonderful lawyer, Andrew Johnson, had forgot to mention one little snag in the KRS option. I still had the open case I had filed in Juvenile court.

I would surely loose my kids for what I had just done!!!

I high tailed my ass back to KY and shortly thereafter, I learned that while I was in Alabama, custody had been given to their dad. OMG

Many years of social workers doing investigations on him for everything under the sun - and NO I don't mean he said she said bull shit - finally last year - he gets a DUI with the boys in the car, finding of neglect by Social Services, and he has a failing liver. Because the boys are scared to death to tell of what happens and know what happens when they tell a little, they cannot be removed. For their trust issues, I want to thank the former principal of Calhoun Elementary, because when Matthew told you, instead of doing what you were required by law to do, you called his dad and u know what happen when he got home? They have a wonderful counsellor at the middle school now who has tried to assure them but to no avail. She pulls Michael by his hair for talking to the lady. And dad thumps him in his chest so hard he cries.

My fear is, with a joint-custody order in place, that he will pass and I will not be in a position to prove to the court that I can provide. I have to be ready for them to come home and yet every time I turn around something else goes wrong.

So, back to the question, will it ever get better? I feel like I have proved my strength many times. The average person might not have made it through what we have come through. And when I say no family or support, I mean none.

I try to help others when I can, I don't have any bad behaviors for many many years now, I have always put my kids first and I just don't know.

I just want to have a quaint house and a reliable vehicle and just a small break maybe.

For now, i have to get back to posting. i try to sell online. No vehicle to get around places.